Have you ever had something that made you so afraid that your voice cracked, your hands shook, your palms filled with sweat, and you couldn’t keep a steady voice? Well, that’s me in a nutshell. Kind of a scardy-cat when it boils down to it. That is exactly what heights do to me.

I have been afraid of heights since I was a little girl. I can’t get on a bunk bed, certainly not a ladder, and you can simply forget a rock wall. The last time I got on a rock wall, I got about five feet off the ground and my whole body shutdown. I couldn’t move my hands, my vision starting going away, basically I had a full scale panic attack.

But you know what I did this weekend? I went fucking skydiving. And it was INCREDIBLE.

I don’t even know how I can begin to explain my experience. I decided about five months ago that this was what I was going to give Connor for Christmas. He’s pretty picky and kind of hard to pick out presents for, but he’s very unique in the fact that he’s adventurous. He always wants to do something thrilling. He loves everything from scuba diving (which I bitched out in the middle of my certification), to bungee jumping (I could still never do that), to skydiving.

So, I decided that would be the perfect present. It seemed so far away…Such a good idea for a present, but I kept mentally putting it off because the day that I actually was going to have to do it seemed so distant. And then it started creeping closer and closer. Secretly, I was getting anxiety about this verbal commitment I had made to him in Atlanta over Christmas break. I kept scooting around actually buying the tickets. Until the Wednesday before I promised him we would go (Saturday). I had to buy them. I couldn’t not do it after he had repeatedly told everyone, “Kendall and I are jumping out of a plane together!”

Then Thursday came, still mentally putting it off. Then Friday. And I got really scared. I was texting my friend Kendal telling her I didn’t think I could do it. It was all too real. “Kendal, I can’t even get on a fucking ladder. I am freaking out. What do I do?”

“Kendall, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I wish I was doing it.”

“Ugh.”

Then I get this text from her. A quote she had stumbled across at some point in time.

“When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life. And that I can’t do” -J.C. Chandor

And I swear to God, the moment I read this, I knew I could do it. Something clicked in my mind. And I started thinking about all of the things in my life that I haven’t done because of fear. All of the things I haven’t accomplished because I was scared. Scared of failure. Scared of letting someone down. Scared of taking a risk. And then that quote that everyone has heard a million times, by FDR, finally meant something to me.

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” -FDR

I mean how many times have you heard that quote and thought “yeah that’s so true,” and then never given it anymore thought?  I know I have countless times. But I never applied it to my life, never thought it could truly impact me until this past Friday.

Then I jumped.

Saturday, January 17, 2015, it happened. I conquered one of my greatest fears I’ve ever had. Connor and I drove 70 miles away from Fort Worth to a little, tiny government-owned airport in Caddo Mills, TX, geared up, and got into an airplane. We didn’t really have any training except to lean back, hips first, and kick Rick, my instructor, in the butt so our legs wouldn’t be fighting each other.

Rick and I, Connor and his instructor, and a pilot all filed into the smallest plane I have ever seen. It looked like it was made when the Wright Brothers first got an airplane in the air….but I just took deep breaths. I didn’t ever let myself say “I’m scared.” It just wasn’t an option. Because I knew the minute that I did, the jump wouldn’t happen that day.

It would never happen.

I once again would be conquered and controlled by my fears.

And that’s something I couldn’t do. Not this time. Not again.

So, the pilot starts pressing the peddles, pulling knobs, the plane shakes, I’m looking at my starred converses, then look to the side and we are well off the ground. I start getting a little nervous, which I think is normal. I have Rick with the GoPro in my face, asking me how I feel, did I “have anything to say to those who will be watching?” kind of adding the the tension, but it kept me from thinking “holy shit, holy shit, I am about to jump out of a plane. I can’t do this. I won’t. I’m sorry. Connor you just go.”

None of that ever crossed my mind. I just kept my eyes on the prize and then the pilot yells, “30 SECONDS!!!!!” and Rick tells me to sit up on my knees and straps me to him really tightly. For the first time he gets serious.

“Everything is going to be okay. Relax. Have fun. I have done this over 3000 times. This is not my first rodeo. I have you strapped here, here, here and here. Four places. Very secure. You cannot get away from me. Take deep breaths. This is going to be one hell of an experience. Enjoy!!! Let’s do this”

And he un-Velcros the door of the aircraft. It is freezing, windy, and loud. But he prepared me for this, so it was okay. Then I stick my leg out of the plane, put my knee on the edge of the ledge, Rick grabbed me and said “one, two, three” and rolled me out of the plane on my side like an egg.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

My stomach drops like going down that really big hill in Oxford, MS, and then I glide…The drop is over. I’m free falling. No parachute. Just this small white balloon-type-thing to stabilize us. I stuck my arms out, like wings, and for the first time, I felt like a little kid again. Feeling that sensation that everyone longs for their entire life… to fly. Like a bird in the sky. So free.

It all happened so fast, but the happiness that I was feeling is like none I had ever felt before. So many things went through my mind, like damn, this world is so big and I’m so small. For an instant, everything seemed to make sense. And then we landed and the jump was over; but the experiences that I got from that jump are something I will never forget. And for that, I will continuously thank myself, Rick, Connor, Kendal, and anyone else involved for getting me to jump that day.

And as I rode home, I thought to myself, how silly of me to have been afraid of things like not being able to hit a perfect backhand, or how crazy for me to be afraid of public speaking. Because all of those fears are figments of my imagination. If I could conquer the fear of actually being in danger, putting my life at some sort of risk, then something so small should never be able to hold me back again.

If you are like me, and you have been afraid, then I challenge you to do something that will push you. Make you uncomfortable. Make you scared.Then do the damn thing. Because that’s when you realize just how incredible the human mind is, and you finally become aware of all the possibilities in your life. You are finally in control.

Then drink a beer and celebrate your amazing accomplishment. You will certainly deserve it.

Cheers!

Kendall